Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

C.S. Lewis

Colossians 3:17

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Thanksgiving Morning

I always love when the colder weather comes in California. Even though we have still a bit of a hot spell going on and have had to use our air conditioner on a daily basis, it is amazing to see how gorgeous the leaves are and to feel a tiny breeze in the early morning. It's been four months since my surgery and I have been back to the gym now for a month. It feels good! I was so sick for so long that I didn't realize how crummy I really felt! I don't want to ever take for granted what a blessing it is to be able to get up and going! A couple of weeks after Shea & I had been going to the gym, I told her that I wanted to start running again. I used to love to run and was actually quite fast and very athletic. I even won "most athletic" in Jr. High School...but that was a long time ago! I was talking with Kevin and he had told me that he started running and he looks fabulous! So, Kevin inspired me. Surely it couldn't be that hard, right? Shea & I got our running shoes on and went to Lake Balboa. I started out slow but soon became very giggly! I swear, it was like I forgot how to run! Shea blew past me and I told her I would catch up...eventually! In the last two weeks, I have stuck to walking...fast, but walking instead of running! I am truly enjoying it. On Thanksgiving morning, I was up at around 6:30am and thought..."Hmmm...would it be crazy for me to go walking right now?" Well, not only was it not crazy, but it was one of the best mornings that I've spent in awhile. There was that one morning with Joe, but that is a whole other story! LOL The air was brisk and there was a fog coming up from the lake. The ducks were wading in the water and there were squirrels all over the place! I was not the only one with the idea of going there because the place was packed! They were having some sort of race and I told Shea that maybe next year I'd do it! I took Shea's ipod and listened to Joel Osteen rather than music and he was so motivating that I walked my normal once around and then continued and walked another lap around the lake! I felt so happy and thankful for my life and all of my loved ones who have such an impact on me. The next morning, I went walking again but an hour later and I was so disappointed! There was no fog, it was hot, and most of the ducks seemed as though they were already ready for nap time! The thing I always say is that there are no coincidences in life. On my second lap as I was changing from Rick Springfield to Colbie Caillat, I looked up to this woman who said, "AD, is that you?" At first glance, I had no idea who she was because she was wearing sunglasses just as I was. But then as she took her sunglasses off, I realized that it was my friend, Gail. I haven't seen her in years but still send her a Christmas card. It was so good to visit with her and catch up. Sadly, her marriage came to an end just recently and she is going through divorce. Her two kids are grown and she finds herself where I was five years ago. I feel so grateful to be able to give her an insight and hope and faith that she will get through all of this. I know I always say it but it's incredible how God places certain people in our lives at certain times. I truly believe that we don't have to forget the difficult times in our lives but we should try and forgive and get through them. Moving through the crap is when you feel the real joy, at least I have! Sometimes life is like a garage sale, (and a box of chocolates!) if you dig deep enough, every once in awhile you can find a treasure that someone else might think of as junk! I'm going to keep walking and who knows...maybe I will learn how to run again and maybe even something more than that!

The best way out is always through.

Robert Frost

Letting Go

I am the first one to admit that I have an extremely difficult time "letting go." This is true in all areas of my life. I hold on to memories, friends, some sentimental items, etc... I have only enjoyed "change" in the last few years. I am not a packrat but up to 3 weeks ago, I had kept all of Shea's baby stuff! Let me explain before you call me a big, lying packrat! While I was pregnant with Shea and for the first 5 years of her life, I would get the most incredible gifts from patients. I am talking beautiful and expensive outfits that after she outgrew them, I would pack away always thinking that "when" I had another little girl that I would never have to buy another thing! Most of her things were like brand new when I would put them away. Well, here we are almost 13 years later, 4 months after having my surgery, and I finally let go and got rid of most of her stuff! I started out with about 10 of those big, plastic tubs and I got it down to about 2. So many sweet memories and I did fairly well, didn't even cry at all as I unpacked the first box of newborn clothes! Thank God that I was able to give most of her really good items to some friends who just had little girls. I just could not bear to sell these things at a garage sale, it would have broken my heart. There is something healing about letting go, not only of the past, but letting go and enjoying the here and now. I always feel that so many people get stuck in the past or are so focused on the future that they miss the present. I don't want to be that person...I want to embrace today with the tightest of grips that I can possibly muster up!

Psalm 118:24

"This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

My Suz

Suzi had been planning her trip to Ireland for the last year. It had been almost as exciting for me that she was going because I was able to look forward to her plan finally coming to fruition. Because of my surgery, I was out of work for 2 months. I was only back a week or so and Suz left for 3 weeks! I really missed her "AD hugs", missed her bits of wisdom, missed her scratchy back time (she always comes and lightly scratches my back), but most of all, I just missed laughing with her! Every time I told her that I was going to miss her, she would remind me that I was gone for 2 months and that "paybacks are a bitch!" When she was gone, I kept track of her trip on a blog that the tour group keeps which has photos and writes of their daily activities. It was so beautiful and I was reminded of a patient of mine who moved there and would always bring in photos of their cottage. It is stunning, quaint, and just plain ol' gorgeous! When she finally got back, (which seemed like an eternity for me!) she handed me a small, soft lamb for Shea! I guess I must have looked shocked and for good reason! Since Shea was about 1 year old, I have always called her "my lammy." It started out from when I would rock her in our rocking chair, I would say, "Who's Mommy's lammy???" And she would take her index finger and point to her cheek with a big grin. Even now that she is rapidly on her way to being a teenager, I still ask her and she still responds the same way. It's one of those "silly love thangs" that we do! Suz didn't know all of this until I told her and she told me it was just calling out for Shea! All the girls were talking about nicknames (because I hardly ever call anybody by their real names) and I listed the many of them that I call Shea: Cookie, Honey, Sweetie, Honeylamb, Punkin, Sweetiepuss, & Dolly are only a few! (My mom still calls Cindy & I "Doll.") When I said, "Dolly", I said like, "Dalai Lama" (has nothing to do with the Dalai Lama) and Suz came back with, "Well, that would make you the "Dolly Mama!" Too stinkin funny and yes, I am a bad mamma jamma!

Rascal Flatts

I have always loved the sound of Rascal Flatts. Shea & I saw them in concert and they sounded just as good in "real life" as their CD's- in my opinion, that is when you know a singer is really great! My favorite genre of music is R&B, this is very true, but I do love most other music as well. I just love music in general! Most people get a kick out of my CD collection. It goes from Luther, Babyface, and Bobby Brown to James Taylor, The Beach Boys, and Martina Mc Bride! When I recently bought the new Rascal Flatts CD, there was one song that I especially loved the very first time that I heard it, "She Goes All The Way"- And NO, not because it's what I say on all my first dates! (I'm kidding) It had a different sound and I could tell that they had brought another voice in on the song. I loved it! When I looked on the CD cover and insert, I could not find out who this mystery voice was, so I continued to listen to the song over & over and enjoyed it every time. On the night of the Country Music Awards, I had picked Shea up and we went for a quick Disneyland fix! It was very spontaneous and we just went on Space Mountain, Nemo and had dinner. When we got home, the CMA's were still on so I was able to catch the last half or so. Rascal Flatts came out and they played "the song" and Bam! it is Jamie Foxx who sings on the song!!! I should have known because I love his voice! The first time I heard him sing was when he was on Oprah and he blew me away! Luther has my heart forever and I could listen to him 24/7 and never tire of his incredible talents...but Jamie falls in the same catagory as Babyface, Brian Mc Knight, Barry White, AL Green, which I think is in pretty darn good company! Listen for the song and you will already know who it is! Mystery solved.

What greater thing is there for two human souls that to feel that they are joined... to strengthen each other... to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories.

George Eliot

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are.
Anais Nin

My Favorite Songs & Music

Last Friday Shea & I attended a funeral service for a family friend. It was a difficult time for us because of the circumstances that involved his death. Without going into detail, it was just plain ol' sad for both of us. His daughter had chosen several of his favorite songs to play at his service which was very touching. On the drive home Shea & I were talking and saying what a nice service it was. Most of the people close to me know very well that I want to be cremated...and that never, under any circumstances that I would ever want to be buried! I just hate the thought of being stuck in that box until the end of time. I'm much to claustrophobic for that! I know that I will be in heaven and it won't matter much, but I'm not taking any chances! I did ask Shea what songs she would choose for me and she told me that it would be so easy! My two favorite Luther Vandross songs: "So Amazing" & "There's Nothing Better Than Love" (my ring tone on my phone that I hear), the new Point Of Grace song, "It's How You Live" and she giggled as she said, "You know Mommy, I will even play your all time favorite song- "Let's Get It On" even if we are in church!" She is a gem and the truth is that I know she would! Music is one of the things I enjoy most in life!

"So Amazing" Luther Vandross
Love has truly been good to me
Not even one sad day
Or minute have I had since you come my way
I hope you know I'd gladly go
Anywhere you take me
It's so amazing to be loved
I'd follow you to the moon in the sky above
Got to tell you how you thrill me
I'm happy as I can be
You have come and changed my whole world
Bye bye sadness hello mellow
What a wonderful day
It's so amazing to be loved
I'd follow you to the moon in the sky above
And it's so amazing, amazing
I could stay forever, forever
I would leave you never, never
Cause we got amazing love
Truly it's amazing, amazing
Love brought us together, together
I would leave you never, never
Cause we got amazing love
So amazing and I've been waiting
For a love like you
It's so amazing to be loved
I'll follow to to the moon in the sky above

"There's Nothing Better Than Love" Luther Vandross & Gregory Hines
I fell asleep last night
And I dreamed the night and almost half the day away
I just got up so that I can hear her say
She's still in love and no one can take her love away
Ooo love wakes me up everyday
And I thought no one would ever make me feel this way
It fills me up every time I hear her say
She's still in love and no one can take her love away
I wanna be loved
There's nothing better than love
What in the world could you ever be thinking of
It's better by far
So let yourself reach for that star
And go no matter how far
To the one you love
To love
And I mean all these words I said
And you don't have to guess what's going on inside my head
Just try to know
All the things that our hearts say
Listen to love and always get love to lead the way
Whenever you love
There's nothing better than love
What in the world could you ever be thinking of
It's better by far
So let yourself reach for that star
And go no matter how far
To the one you love
You know for love I'd go anywhere
I would go there
For love to the end of nowhere
And for your love, And for your love
I would, I would, I would love
To just spend all my time
With a girl who makes me feel her love is mine
Someone you see
Who would only dream of me
And she'd be in love just cause she'd wanna be
She'd wanna be loved

"How You Live-Turn Up The Music" Point of Grace
Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

"Let's Get It On" Marvin Gaye
I've been really tryin', baby
Tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long
And if you feel like I feel, baby
Then, c'mon, oh, c'mon
Let's get it on
Ah, baby, let's get it on
Let's love, baby
Let's get it on, sugar
Let's get it on
We're all sensitive people
With so much to give
Understand me, sugar
Since we've to be here
Let's live
I love you
There's nothing wrong with me
Loving you, baby no no
And giving yourself to me can never be wrong
If the love is true
Don't you know how sweet and wonderful life can be
I'm asking you baby to get it on with me
I ain't gonna worry I ain't gonna push, won't push you baby
So c'mon, c'mon, c'mon,c'mon, c'mon, baby
Stop beatin' 'round the bush
Let's get it on
Let's get it on
You know what I'm talkin' 'bout
C'mon, baby
Let your love come out
If you believe in love
Let's get it on
Let's get it on, baby
This minute, oh yeah
Let's get it on
Please, let's get it on
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon,c'mon, c'mon, baby
Stop beatin' 'round the bush
Oh, gonna get it on
Threaten' you, babyI wanna get it on
You don't have to worrythat it's wrong
If the spirit moves ya
Let me groove ya good
Let your love come down
Oh, get it on
C'mon, baby
Do you know the meaning?
I've been sanctified
Girl, you give me good feeling

I like to believe that love is a reciprocal thing, that it can't really be felt, truly, by one.

Sean Penn

Smart Puppy

Yesterday morning as Shea & I picked up Tay & Em for school, we all had a laugh! There was this couple with a small chiwahwah in it's owners arms. The man was shaking his finger and laughing at the dog! Obviously, the puppy had her own idea of what a "walk" was all about. Who allows puppies to watch "Simple Life" with Paris & Nicole??? Hey, the sidewalk is cold so early in the morning!

A Slight Slip Of The Tongue!

You know when your mouth speaks before your brain tells it what to say? I had to laugh as Bob walked up front to find only little ol' me there! Cherie & Min were both elsewhere & I said, "The lights are home but nobody's on." Giggle, giggle...those of you who know me well know that I may not always be home, but I am definitely always ON!